December 15, 2008

Snowed In: The Elizabeth Fuss Story

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It was unusual to wake up to a Sunday morning with three missed calls by 8am. Elizabeth, who seemed to have lost the Christmas spirit, grumbled at the attempts by dedicated church people leaving well-meaning messages that church had been canceled. No one bothered to say why.

As she rolled out of bed, her feet touching the 48 degree hardwood floors, she cursed the old house that sheltered her. Snow! Snow! Snow! Nooooo! The steep hill in front of her house was covered in a thick, freezerburned layer of snow. She wasn't going anywhere today. Someone might as well have padlocked the front door.

Fleece slippers. Electric heater on. Fleece blanket. Soft couch. Television for women. The freedom of singledom. No children to care for. No husband to make breakfast for. No commitments. She rejoiced just a little.

"This is a day for some serious trash tv," she said to herself. But what she hadn't counted on. What she hadn't planned on, was Fa-la-la-la-Lifetime. This was no regular Lifetime trash. It was Christmas spirit holiday trash tv. Tear-inducing holiday trash. Trash that made Elizabeth believe, for just a split second, that if Nancy McKeon can crash her car and wake up with a perfect husband and kids, then she could, too. After all, with the Christmas spirit, anything is possible.

Also, if a Christian guy can marry a Jewish girl and their families can celebrate Chrismukkah together, anything is possible. Also. If an editorial assistant at a big magazine can be named head food critic and promptly fall in love with a new hot chef, and also get the Christmas spirit, anything is possible. Also. If a handsome workaholic can start a choir at a homeless shelter, fall in love with a transit worker and get the Christmas spirit, anything is possible.

Little by little, Elizabeth realized that anything COULD happen. But how? How could all of these good things happen for real? Then, like a sign from heaven, another movie started. The woman was frustrated with her life. She couldn't escape. Then, suddenly a voice spoke to her. Spoke to her from the dryer. The clothes dryer in the basement. "Pardon me?" she said, as she leaned in, then climbed in, head-first into a new life. On the other side of the dryer was a handsome, rich husband and all the money and clothes she ever wanted. It was possible. A new life. A new life in which she was rich AND had the Christmas spirit.

Then, at that moment, Elizabeth knew what she needed to do to get the Christmas spirit. She needed to climb in the dryer and find all her dreams come true on the other side. Really.

No, really. She realized that if she watched one more damn Lifetime Christmas movie, her reality would be warped forever. Damn cable.

Merry Christmas.


jodi b said...

O.K. have to delurk to let you know that this really cracked me up! Could it get any colder!

chelsea said...

the last one really was a plot of a movie? really? this is very funny.

Jenny P said...

I miss watching Lifetime with Lizzy!

Ellen said...

This is hilarious!

Elvia said...

I love your sense of humor! Although, I am now officially afraid of catching the Christmas spirit--it sounds a bit scary.