August 5, 2008

Mummy Dearest ***SPOILER ALERT***

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Few movies have reached the hysterical heights of Free Willy and Pearl Harbor. Thankfully, tonight I can add one more movie to my list of entertaining laugh-fests- The Mummy Returns On Another Continent, With a Replacement Wife and a Grown-Up Son.

It starts out with "Once upon a time, there was a Chinese Emperor..." Yada yada, you get the picture. Then, suddenly, we see a brunette Maria Bello (not a good look for you, Maria) speaking with what could be the worst British accent on film (not a good sound for you, Maria). She's reading from her new novel, The Mummy Returns. Then it's Q and A time from the audience. "Mrs. O'Connell, how have these adventures changed you?" (Or something like that). She says with a smirk, "I think I can honestly say, I'm a whole different person." Da bum bum. Good move Rachel Weisz, good move.

Then there's the grown up son, who's quite a ladies' man, oh and he also dug up the Chinese mummy. He happens to run into his parents who are on a secret mission and 1-star dialogue ensues:

"Alex. O'Connell. You. Get. On. The. Back. Of. This. Horse. This. Minute."

"Dad, I'm sorry I blamed you and mom for bringing back the Emperor."

"She speaks Yeti?"

Various size and stamina jokes relating to guns, that I can't quite get my brain to remember.

And then a great plot twist, wherein Father and son find out that the only way to kill the mummy is to strike him in the heart with a certain knife. Then they plan to hit him and blow him up and hit him again to stop him. Even though they know that they only way to kill him is with the knife.

Then I start getting bored. Yada, yada, yada, terra cotta army comes to life, yada yada, yada, the Emperor turns into a three headed dragon, yada, yada, yada, the other dead army comes to life, blah blah, they stab the mummy with the knife and he dies. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Say what you want about trashy Summer movies - I laughed harder tonight watching this than I have watching an actual comedy.... ummm.... in a very long time. Thank you, Hollywood, for bad acting, bad hair and bad accents. And most of all, thank you for the Mummy, who can simultaneously roar and rip pieces of his face off to throw at the humans who are trying to bring him down. You've made my night.


Sara said...

I am so glad you chose NOT to take my advice! Good call on the unintentional comedy.

Anonymous said...

The one star I plopped on this clunky bore-athon is due to the presence of the great Jet Li as the evil Dragon Emperor of the subtitle and the gorgeous Michelle Yeoh as Zi Yuan, a witch who's been on the Emperor¹s ass for over 2000 years.

Peter Travers
Rolling Stone _mummy_tomb_of_the_dragon_emperor
martial-arts superstar Jet Li triumphs as the mostly wordless evil Emperor Han of ancient China, a glowing magma spirit locked in a terra cotta shell.

Jane Horwitz
Washington Post 073100734.html

Still, Li makes a great villain, using his powers to create fire, ice and other elements.

Edward Douglas
Coming Soon

Toward the end of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh launch into a vigorous sword fight — and what a grand pleasure it is to watch these two world-class stars in action again...Their duel atop the Great Wall of China is a reunion of titans, an Old Timers' Day for two actor-athletes still in their sinuous prime. Forgive the effusions of an alter-kocker fanboy, but the flinty glamour of Li and Yeoh — buttressed by the stolid, sneering presence of top Hong Kong villain Anthony Wong Chau-sang (who in 1993 appeared in 15 films!) — is the best reason to catch this third in the series of Indiana Jones knockoffs.

Richard Corliss

A memorably badass Jet Li.
Nathan Rabin
AV Club

Hey, It's Ansley said...

I do think we might have annoyed the couple in front of us, she kept turning around. Or...maybe she was turning around to hear our witty comments instead of the dreck on the screen.

Todd said...

Wow. . .I didn't want to see this movie because it looked so horribly crappy, but now I kinda do.